Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm Warning You

The parental warnings on movie ads are terrifically more helpful than when I was a kid. The former “Restricted” R-rating was basically a yes/no toggle switch parents could look at and say to their teen, “No way are you seeing this movie.” The new advisories, listed under the G/PG/PG-13/R/NC-17 ratings, are tuned into the types of movies that are actually out there in the world: date flick, teen slasher, sci fi, sword and sandals epic, modern thriller: “Contains Some Drug Use and Sensuality.” “Contains Mild Violence.” And we know the code behind these new warnings, most of the time. Some are cryptic. One still mystifies me: “mild thematic elements.”

Mild Thematic Elements: I'm not sure what that is supposed to tell us. It may be code for: This is a thoughtful movie whose plot is not built around dinosaurs, a car chase or wise-cracking animated animals. (Which parents want to avoid this? “Three things I don’t want my 12-year old exposed to: swearing, sex, and thematic elements, or lietmotifs if you will, running through a work of fiction and tying it together into a cohesive narrative.”)

The plays of Shakespeare would seem to be, asI remember from high school and college, replete with “thematic elements” of every stripe. They are also the subject of frequent filmification. I suggest the following advisories.

Romeo and Juliet
Contains Wussy Fencing-Style Violence, Incomprehensible Sexual Innuendo and Three’s Company-Style Misunderstandings.

Henry V
Contains Bloody, Mail-Crashing Battle Scenes and Flights of Arrows That Darken the Dawn-Lit Sky. Once More Into the Breach!

MacBeth
Contains Keen Psychological Insights, Regicide, Poor Hospitality and Wee-Wee Jokes.

Julius Caesar
Contains Foreshadowing, Prophecy and Ides of March-timed Violence/March Madness.

Timon of Athens
Does Not Contain a Breakdancing Android, Unfortunately.

Othello
Contains Advice on Bad Relationships and Poisoned Wine.

Hamlet
Contains Extreme Thematic Elements, Existential Crises, and In Unabridged Versions, the Fortinbras Subplot.

The Merchant of Venice
Depicts Once-Acceptable Levels of Anti-Semitism That Do Not Necessarily Prove That Shakespeare Himself Was Anti-Semitic But More Probably Reflect Elizabethan Attitudes Towards Jews.

Richard III
Contains Civil War, Poor Governance, and Scenes of Suggested Nephew- and Brother-Killing.

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