Saturday, March 17, 2007

Zombie Results

To those who responded to my Zombie Job Opening survey, let me say this: I've very, very disappointed in you for not taking it more seriously. And thanks for playing!

1) Most popular jobs: with 40% each, Village Idiot and Zombie Bounty Hunter. The next top finisher was Sportscaster for Zombie Football League. Honorable mention to write-ins "Ghost writer" and "Free Range Zombie Activist."

2) In answer to "I have experience nailing large pieces of crooked wood to:" the clear winner was doors. Good show. Runner-up was the suggestion (thrice made) "other pieces of crooked wood."

3) "In the event of a night-time zombie attack, I would seek shelter in:" 70% responded with "The Liberal Cup." Well done! But stay away from their beer and cheese soup. Best alternative was the new accessory store in town: "Bling It On." I would have suggested the new do-it-yourself pottery-play store, "A Time To Kiln."*

4) Overall Best Suggestions winner, hands-down: "I know how to hook up illegal:"
--bongs (twice)
--immigrants (twice)
--playgroups

Clearly I'm dealing with a bunch of criminal geniuses.

5) How would the government contact citizens during the apocolypse: Disappointing! No one chose short wave radio. Best suggestions: "The Fox Network" and "loudspeakers mounted to the tops of road warrior post-apocolyptic dune buggies."

Someone also responded, "this is very funny." Thank you--but please just answer the question.

6) Top three finishers for "If surrounded by zombies, I would sacrifice myself to save my:"
-spouse/domestic partner
-child
-comic book collection
I give honorable mentions to: "zombie escape boat-building tools" and "brother-in-law."

To those who could not be bothered to respond: when your jobless ass lands in the middle of a zombie attack and they crack your skull open to feast on your brain, then we'll see who's laughing! (i.e., it probably won't be you.)

When the Zombie Apocalypse finally hits, I'll be posting another survey, probably on the wooden message kiosk at the village green: Zombie Job Satisfaction survey.


(*Name of an actual store in Hoboken, the Hollywood of New Jersey.)

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